During Melanie's labor I remember thinking the words "this will be the last one. I am NOT doing this again. This is the last one." I didn't say them out loud just in my head because I didn't want Jesse to hold me to it. But her pregnancy was rough. Her labor was awful. Post delivery was all sunshine and roses until a few months in and then I crashed. I lost my milk supply. I couldn't properly feed my baby. I cried all the time. I was just an emotional mess. I just shoved it way back and just kept fighting the days. And more days. And more days. I told Jesse I was done. There was no way I could have more kids. We started making drastic plans to keep us from having more. All the dates were set.
Then I went away for the weekend to a Womens Conference in Rochester, MN. I heard speakers after speakers that weekend. We sang this song: https://youtu.be/dy9nwe9_xzw I all of a sudden got this overwhelming feeling of... this is not my end. I can go deeper and farther. I can have more kids. I will be amazed and blessed by this if I go deeper. And I cried. And I cried more. Mostly out of fear. I wasn't sure that I could mentally do it! This was hard.
I came home from the conference and a week or two went by and Jesse said he got a call from our insurance and they were not going to cover the procedure & we would have to pay for it out of pocket. Right before Christmas. I hadn't yet told him what I was feeling from that conference... because I also learned I am thinker and internal processor so I don't share my thoughts very well. So I told him, I don't want to do it. I don't think we are done. And he agreed!! He wasn't sure he was ready to be done either. So we canceled the appointment.
Over the next year I prayed hard. I prayed for God to just give me more signs. I need a real sign that He thinks we are ready for more kids. I prayed for a solid year! But I wasn't taking any risks either. I was still on the pill just begging God for signs. I asked a ton of people how they knew when they were done and they all tell me "you WILL know!" Well I didn't know. I had days where YUP I am DONE! and then later I was all baby gaga!! It was never clear and never consistent.
Another year goes by!! Bringing us to last year!
Well I have way more days of wanting another child then not. So we would try for a while and then I would panic because it wasn't working so maybe this was my sign that we were done and I would go back on the pill. Then I would have huge regret and go off and we would try again and nothing. The cycle was vicious!!
By the end of last year I told Jesse we need to stop this wishy washy business and just let God decide. We need to commit to a full year. If after that year it is nothing then we will know we are content and done. Content being the key word. Can't be wishy washy anymore over this. We are both on board for this!
So in my mind I am thinking we have tried this already and I am not banking on anything. I bet I won't get pregnant until the end of the year. God is really trying to teach me. So I toss it all out of my mind and never think about it.
February rolls around and I am feeling strange. I can't remember anything. Like my brain is so shot. I am falling asleep at night super fast. I am having spells of slight nausea. Just off. So I finally decide I should maybe take a test. It is the middle of the day and Jesse is out of town, but what the heck. I am sure it will be negative and I am just having a moment. I took that test and it turned positive faster than I ever seen it do before. Instant shock. I started laughing even. I started thanking God immediately! I am not even lying when I say all my fears and anxieties over having more kids were gone. vanished. I never had a worry. Just pure joy and excitement! It was truly amazing and the best feeling!! Almost like I was pregnant for the first time all over again!
Now I had to wait to tell Jesse. He was out of town that night plus he was working until 7pm that night. And it was like 2pm in the afternoon and I was suppose to finish school with the kids. I couldn't even focus! I just wanted to tell someone!! But I couldn't because I needed to tell Jesse first. It only felt proper! We did not finish school because I could not focus.
Jesse finally got done with work and called home and he talked to the kids and I told him I would call him back after I got the kids into bed. But before I called him back I snapped a picture of the test and texted it to him. To which he replied back, "WHAT". So then I called him and all I could do was giggle and laugh and he did too. We were both so blown away and shocked. It happened SO FAST!
Keeping baby news a secret is so so so so so hard for me! Especially this time around because I was so over come by joy! I just wanted all our family to know. I wanted the kids to know because they have been asking for more babies.
The next day I was going to stay with my parents for 2 days!! WHAT! How was I going to pull this off. I did it. And it was so so so so so hard!!!
One more week went by and I couldn't take it. We were having a moment at supper where everyone was being so polite and cute and no one said the word poop or laughed uncontrollably. So I nudged Jesse and said... tell them. He did. Mallory and Max screamed with excitement! Melanie cried. It took me a moment to realize she was crying because of all the glee and excitement that the big kids were having. But when I finally realized she was crying we asked her why she was crying and her response was, "No more Melanie?" And then I lost it and cried. Noooo! Melanie you get to stay here with us! You don't go away! We just bring another baby home! And then she laughed and thought it was great. She immediately wanted to know where the baby was going to sleep because she was willing to sleep on the floor so the baby could sleep in her bed. It was a priceless moment for sure.
Now. We tell the kids you can't tell anyone!! Not yet!!
I am shocked but they kept it a secret for a while! I want to say over a week!! Maybe two!!
My phone rings one night and it is my Mom, Dad & Brother. They have me on speaker phone. They want to ask me a question. My Dad is having heart burn again. (He only has super bad heartburn when I am pregnant.). I can't even believe my ears. WHAT!?! I just wanted to surprise them one time! He busts me every. single. time. He gets heartburn and they know! So I was thinking I was all in the clear because he hasn't said anything and I have know for awhile now! He has had bad heartburn for weeks now!! And it finally dawned on them... Lets call Lynn and tease her! Little did they know I was going to say, YES!!! There was lots of hysterical laughing and no one could believe it had happened again. The heartburn doesn't lie!!
Today I had my first baby appointment and we got to hear that little heartbeat!! Right now we are thinking about 11 weeks along with a due date of Mid-October.
For the most part I have been feeling good. Minor nausea. Super tired and unmotivated. No aches and pains. I am amazed how well I feel and am hoping this is all good signs for the rest of the pregnancy. I don't have any worries or concerns right now and I sold all my baby items. I only have a crib. But I am just not worried. I also don't have a bedroom or a closet for another child. I just have peace and a spirit of... it will work itself out.
